Weird Things I’ve Done

7/24/12

For a second job, rode motorcycle escort, driving Kawasaki 650s and Police 1000s.  Had a beacon, badge, whistle, and license to speed and run lights. Escorted mainly funerals but also Van Halen and Black Sabbath.
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Went to a Jethro Tull concert barefoot, tripping, and wearing a 1930s sort of Judy Garland tulle type dress.  Then afterwards at a party, while outside in the parking lot heading for a Coke machine, I heard inimitable whistling nearby and turned around to come face to face with Ian Anderson.

A couple of years later, I was at a party with everyone in Jethro Tull except Ian Anderson, and would end up being a sounding board for the classically trained Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond, bass, who spoke bitterly about everyone watching the door waiting to see if Ian would come in and then also about band problems, as well as how unclassical Americans are.  I guess this was my first band shrink experience.  He started to hit on me toward the end of the evening, and then, muttering to himself, said, “No, too much trouble.”  I knew exactly where he was coming from.  He was very unhappy and would leave the band shortly thereafter.
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Went out to shows while still bandaged up from breast tumor surgery — I mean right after.  Nothing could stop me from going to shows.  Partied at the band’s room afterward too.
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Went with friends to a disco and had group bet on who could pick up a guy wearing a jumpsuit first.  (I won.  It was lime green.  It took under 3 minutes.)
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Lived in an all-pink hippie commune, pink mansion, pink driveway, pink stucco, pink fixtures.
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Lived on a ranch (caretaking) that had one entire cottage with nothing in it but a gazillion music boxes.  The main house was a cheap modular home with a snake loose inside, but it was filled with museum-quality antiques and art.
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Rode an elephant.  I wouldn’t do that now after volunteering at the zoo.
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Ran over a bully’s toe with my dirt bike after he strung rope across the road trying to decapitate me.  Whoops.
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As a teen, went offroad to elude police because I didn’t want them stopping me with hair rollers and everyone on the drag seeing me.  They didn’t see me go off.
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Cut a llama out from the middle of a large herd of rhino and herded it back into its adjacent area at a wildlilfe park at the behest of one scared concession stand girl.  My mom sat in the car muttering “I guess you know what you’re doing.”
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Used to visit a guy who lived up the staircase hidden behind the refrigerator (had to be moved) in an attic so low he got around in a wheelchair up there.  I think he was being stalked by a jealous lover.
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Watched a rock star look in a stripper’s mouth with a flashlight.  TMI. Watched same band get in onstage bar brawl with Russian band when, after a preshow disagreement about who would open, the Russian band unplugged the other band in the middle of a set.  Once it was over, we all fled to get them packed and out of town before the international po-po arrived.  (The US won.  The Russians apparently had no expectation that guys in makeup and teased hair could fight.)
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Was strangled by Alice Cooper
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Their first American tour, signing autographs, Sex Pistols’ Sid Vicious asked me how to spell “Vicious.”

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Went to an all-night carnival jamboree, drank with all the carnies, including people from the freak show like one guy with a snake around his neck, Lizard Woman, all the ones on the big midway posters, drank beer and then rode rides that were turned up extra fast, and ended up sleeping in the underside compartment of an 18-wheeler.
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At one apartment, I discovered I had a hole in the closet giving access to the crawl space under the building.  It was all clean and covered with plastic, and I used to entertain guests some down there as well as store things.
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Stay tuned, more to come as I think of them.

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